Autism at times is…

This is going to be a very short post. Yep Can’t stand my head at times. Don’t blog as much as i would like. Would love to monetize but I do not blog have a high of enough blog and mainly the fear of success. Besides the very random mood swings that can last for months or years. And I don’t have the patients to write much longer..


Success, connections and partners.

I think the biggest fear is not really fear it self is actually success. As crazy and as odd and some of the things I do online. Heck I can tap into things than few people can. Heck, I love to help people. Most of the time I do not want money mainly because I feel as i am not worth money in value. Just a slave. I do not push my self as much as i could because I know I can succeed. I am not hyper-networked to just say oh you are doing nothing. When you have lots of time you can accomplish things that most people it would take forever. and yes it has taken me forever to do what I did. Now I just need to figure out what path do I take that is not the most dangerous. I do still want to start a business. I have met some great people who can help with the marketing once I have the money to pay them. These are not your local people I know but some bigger players around the world. Once I have a website and more so a business plan before the website. I can pay some of these people to really get more traffic to the site. it is more expensive than doing normal advertising but more direct. Your connections can either make or break you. Or if I can find A partner to help grow the business it would be cool as well.

Love why ???

Love why? If you do not love what you are doing you hate it. Your productivity will go down as well. For me personally. I love to help people find things that they may over look. It could be a new network I came across or a person they should contact. I wish I could create a business model from that. I’ve been trying to figure out a business that uses all my skills sets. On the surface you see oh that person did not go to college (Flunked out )or they have mental disorders. Heck I like to be blunt and not sugar coat things no matter what it is. Love is what what hate is not. If you Hate you destroy and not lift up. Hate does grow some networks. Love what You do even if you are not paid for it. Now the biggest problem I have is turning that in to a business model that works. Besides the debilitating Mental health issues I deal with day to day.

Fearful of growth

I guess I am fearful of growth so I created some thing I really do not support. except the sin aspect of it. The problem is I am able to grow most things online even if I do not agree with it totally.
I have been holding back on the growth of Facebook for me again. If i want to grow I must aim towards the business aspect of things. I can under stand some of it enough to grow the social media aspect of it to a point.
Most conspiracy I support is to try to destroy the network me whiles I ma building a network in that as well. Anything I do I can grow and build for good or evil. Doesn’t matter.
May be my skills are more refined than I thought may be they are growing at a faster pace than I think they are growing at.
Crazy Yes!
Cool Yes!
Good Yes!
God Yes!

To breath is to be a leader

We breath because God tells us to breath. We breath from a electrical response. We breath because it is the spirit who breathes and talks for us.

One things God keep say which from fear I do not is… Speech. Try to be a leader and not know it try to be a revolutionary and not believe that God could make you go from second to a leader. Who can lead people not for money not for power But, to fight even to die to bring people from from around the world. This doesn’t mean just as a leader to just prayers for things to happen but one who sees thing many things before they happen. Fear and sin make the leader screw up constantly but those are the least tend to to the most of the when the time comes.

Bless people through love

Closer I get to God more things happen. both good and bad. Do I bless or do I curse. It is difficult for me to hate even those who I know who Are lost. I want to try to help even if it destroys my reputation. God Knows my heart. What you see is not always what my heart and God is working on. To learn you must expose your self to wickedness. Even if it means making some not to smart moves. How can you help unless you know what goes throw the head of the helpless the people who think all have turned the backs on. I see a hurt and hurting people around the world looks for a way to love but yet they have no clue or do not want to know that love. Sex never helps it can in fact make the problem far worse. I said to God years ago I would never have sex unless I get married. This means I do not date to not have the remote temptation. Sure, i am tempted but I know God will keep you safe if it in his will.   

Why I still live at home and not working the simple version.

I still live at home for medical reasons. Can I take care of my self Do not know. Why leave when you have most things provided. I do cut the grass and do a lot of the heaven lifting as well when they ask me. If you do not have a medical reason to get a job by all means try to get a job. Would love to be able to be normal. The most normal I have is writing this. I have found I like to write. I just do not have the patents or focus to stay on one topic instead of dozens. Yep, that way losing focus the last few sentences. People say you look fine get a job. Yeah getting a job for anyone is hard. But when you factor in Autism, ADD, Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. It can be down right impossible especially when You act not so normal. And then their is anger problem that really acts up when I am too stressed or too much change happens too fast. If I am angry I need to leave if I can’t I tend to explode. I do not want to hit anyone so keep to as small events as possible. This means many, many lonely nights. And then you factor in I came out gay as well. Plus A firm believer in Christ. Autism + Christian + Autism and other problems + gay = A very bad combination.